Alternatives to AA/12-Step Program - Are They For You?

Deep down, some people believe there’s a God. And deep down, some people really don’t.

Faith in God, a Higher Power, or the Innate Goodness of the Universe isn’t necessary for successful recovery. Sure, it can help. But it’s not the only way home.

Many AA alternatives leave religious belief completely private. There’s no uncomfortable peer pressure. 

This can be a huge relief for everyone.

Society judges addiction harshly, and that toxic judgment applies double to those they brand “addicts”. So it’s not surprising when we internalize that guilt and shame. It’s easy to start labeling ourselves as chronic losers, broken, damaged, or just plain bad.

The problem here is that negative self-judgments often trigger relapse. If I’m no good, why bother trying? 

Some people can motivate themselves with guilt and fear. But some are already so overloaded with toxic shame, that piling on more just drives them back to using.

You may need less negativity and more love, sweetness, appreciation and understanding to get out of bed in the morning.

One of the solid cores of the 12-Step approach is a buddy system called “having a sponsor.” If there’s the right chemistry between you and your sponsor, you’ve got a valuable mentor for life. They’re a role model, someone who intimately understands what you’re going through, holds you accountable for your actions, and can be there for you every step of the way.

But not every sponsor “speaks your language.” Yes, they may know addiction inside out. But some sponsors, with the best intentions, use shame and fear to try to save you from yourself. Most are focused on your behavior, not your feelings or thoughts or self-image. 

Does your sponsor know psychology? Can they help you heal your childhood wounds? Do they understand how neurobiology can sabotage your choices?

Like a well-meaning parent, big brother or sister, they may care about you. But that doesn’t mean they know how to raise you up or help you become your best self. In these mentoring relationships, one size does not fit all.

Admitting our mistakes is incredibly powerful. 

But not everyone is up to that monumental task while they’re still struggling with sobriety.

Some people re-activate their negative programming if they face too much shadow at once. They start hating themselves, attacking themselves, collapsing in pain. It’s too easy to believe they’re bad to the core, worthless and irredeemable.

This can be aggravated by the people on the receiving end of the amends conversation. They’re often angry and wounded by what happened, and throw gasoline on the fire.

It takes a great deal of strength, sobriety and wisdom to admit mistakes and make amends. Doing this too soon can easily trigger a relapse, just to blot out the pain.

AA and the 12 Steps focus on your actions in the external world. Control your behavior, stay sober, abstain.

This is obviously important. You can’t recover if you continue to use.

But abstinence alone won’t eliminate your pain.

In the eight-plus decades since the 12 Steps were written, there’s been an explosion in our understanding of psychology, trauma, mindfulness, and neurobiology. 

Often addiction is rooted in deeper issues. 

To change an addictive behavior we also have to address the mindset that produces anxiety, shame, self-hatred, and fear. 

Or else, these root causes will continue to sabotage our best intentions.

The 12-Steps focus on behavior. Fair enough. But if I believe I’m broken and hopeless, there’s not much strength or motivation to continually resist temptation. It’s an uphill battle that never gets easier. “One day at a time” may reduce some pressure on you, but it always leaves you at the starting line. You never get any momentum.

Maybe, in order to fight this battle, your body needs more sleep, gentle exercise, and plenty of good nutrition. Maybe you need to feel genuinely seen, heard and felt. Maybe you need to better understand yourself and the addiction cycle. Maybe you need to feel there’s a greater purpose to your life, beyond continually fighting to stay clean. 

Does your behavior matter? Yes. Absolutely.

But so does taking care of your body, mind, heart and soul. 

One fifth of the US public – and a third of adults under age 30 – are now SBNR: Spiritual But Not Religious.

There’s a whole spectrum of beliefs in this “Spiritual” category. Including, for some, an inner “self” that’s naturally resilient, beyond the reach of life conditioning and social programming.

Learning how to connect, and stay connected, with this resilient inner “self” can change how we function. For some, it’s enough to resolve substance abuse without the constant struggle of controlling behavior.

Gathering together in community with people who share a common goal. What’s not to like about that?

AA Meetings are a lifeline for many. Instead of going to the bar, drop by a 12-step meeting, virtually anywhere in the world. Instead of sinking into depression, or going down a paranoid rabbit hole alone – go to a meeting! Get support.

There’s no need to pretend you’re not hurting. Everyone here understands.

Gabor Mate has a powerful insight: Addiction is caused by isolation, by disconnection from society.

So what’s the downside?

12-Step meetings can be cathartic for the speakers confessing their shame and pain and relapses. But people have different tolerance levels for hearing about lives destroyed by drugs and drink, for rehashing past mistakes. 

When you leave a meeting, do you feel uplifted or overwhelmed? 

At what point does reliving the past keep you from moving forward?

What might change if you were hanging out at a different kind of meeting? At AA alternatives, with people who reflect new aspects of yourself, who share your new interests and passions, whose lives aren’t revolving around relapse and recovery?

The 12-Steps have helped millions of people.

And they were written in 1935.

There’s an element of Tough Love in them that works well for many people. A balance of carrots and sticks, rewards and discipline.

But now we know so much more about addiction and how to support complete recovery. 

Now there are viable AA alternatives.

Non 12-Step programs are exploring new facets of recovery. Nutrition, biochemistry, massage, neuroplasticity, mindfulness, experiential therapy, trauma work, CBT, personalized psychotherapy.

If the 12 Steps haven’t worked for you, don’t give up.

If you’ve experienced any of the issues raised here, please know that there’s still hope for you.

There are AA alternatives that work – for more and more people every day.

They can get to the roots of your addiction, and help you find your own road to recovery.